Top-Tier Privilege is a Myth: Op-Ed by Krillin

Hey everybody, it's your local law enforcement agent K-Dawg here. Lately I've been hearing a lot of criticism about this awesome Fan Z game. It seems like a lot of people think certain cards are unfair, or too "sacky." Well with all this time I've had on paid leave, I thought I'd write out some advice to help you guys have fun and win. My first tip?

    Git gud, snowflakes.

    Look, I get it. Combat can be scary. Your opponent is going to throw a lot of attacks and you might take a lot of damage. I hear it all the time: "I lost because I just didn't draw any blocks." Boo-hoo. I'm out here just like you guys, having to find ways to stay alive. I've gone whole games without drawing blocks. You know what I did? I manned up. I got gud. I played my own attacks as blocks and gained thirty anger before my opponent could respond.

    See this is your first mistake. Why play blocks at all? They're only good some of the time. Me, I realized that a long time ago. I knew if I could use my attacks as blocks, I wouldn't have to play beta-male cards like "Red Blocking Hand" or "Black Swipe." And when my opponent doesn't attack me, I just sling all my attacks anyway. I've got a goal-oriented mindset, and my goal is winning. No matter what my opponent does.

    Now I know what you're thinking. "Krillin, that's great and all, but what about DBV?" I hear you, I hear you. There's nothing worse than losing because your opponent just drew the right seven cards. So to make sure that never happens to me, I also use a critical damage effect. I'm covering all my bases! You guys just aren't building your decks with enough tech. You need to play answers to have answers. I just worked a little harder and had those answers printed on my personality stack so that I always have them. Crits are even good against anger and ally decks, so I'm always prepared. Remember: A diverse portfolio is a profitable portfolio.

    And hey, speaking of anger, it's pretty strong right now! That Vegeta's an angry guy, isn't he? You can't let him just gain levels for free. You need to play anti-anger. I personally decided I would play my anti-anger on my personality levels too. Seeing a pattern here? That's right, you guys made the classic blunder of needing to draw the right cards. Rookie mistake. I don't need to draw cards because I do it all on my own. You might be thinking I'm just built different, but it's really a lot of hard work. Just think of how much ink it took to print all these effects!

    The real beauty of Fan Z though is in the diversity of strategies. Sometimes I like to mix it up. Maybe I want to play a deck that relies on Setups. Maybe Drills. Maybe I want a level with its own energy attack, or discard pile hate, or rejuvenation. Could you make a choice with all those options? I couldn't. So I have a level that does all of them.

    See, it's a problem with your mentality. You're too focused on one or two effects. Get on that grindset and just use them all!

    You know what else really grinds my gears? When someone loses a game and afterwards has all kinds of excuses for why they lost. "I would've killed him but he drew a block." "I hit him but he had too much Endurance." No wonder you're losing, you're not even focused on yourself! You have to focus on what you could've done better. For example: why are you letting your opponent block your attacks in the first place? Of course you're going to lose if they can just "stop" your attack or "prevent" the damage. I get it, I was young once too. But I'm a grown man, with a house, a darling daughter, and an immortal bombshell wife. I can't let things like "counterplay" and "interaction" stop me from taking care of my family. My handy Destructo Disk is unstoppable and unpreventable. And just to make sure it gets the job done, I have mods on almost all my levels. Remember how I said you shouldn't be trying to draw cards? I also search my Disks on level four. Consistency is key, my friends.

    Of course, my trusty Destructo Disk isn't banished after use and I shuffle it back into my deck on level three. "Managing resources?" Sounds like soyboy nonsense to me.

    I hope my wisdom gave you softies the inspiration you need to rise and grind. Make sure you read the whole thing! If your millennial attention span can't even handle this article, how do you expect to read one of my personality levels?

-Krillin, The World's Strongest Man*

(Editor's note: The opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the guest columnist and in no way reflect those of The Ruh Roh Rundown or its affiliates.)

*(Editor's note 2: This claim has been disputed by Mr. Satan, current World Martial Arts Champion. He was, however, unavailable for comment as of press time due to a chronic stomach condition.)